“We fear that natural teenage rebellion has been hijacked by this ideology, which has the potential to lead her to medical transitioning and will therefore permanently, irreversibly damage her.”

Holding on for Isabella: a teenager caught up in normal angst and identity politics, heading down the path of irreversible damage.

My daughter, Isabella*, became influenced by trans ideology in her teenage years, and has now begun the process of transitioning. As a child, she never had any signs of gender dysphoria. My name is Francis, I live in Northern Ontario, and this is our story.

My wife and I had a hard time having children, and so we adopted several children who all grew up to be happy, thriving adults with families of their own. But by God’s grace we were blessed with a biological child of our own – a little girl. Because my wife and I were both middle-aged and we thought our fertility window had long-since closed, the news of our conception and the subsequent delivery of our beautiful, healthy baby girl was truly miraculous.

All of Isabella’s brothers and sisters were much older, some even in high school or nearly finished, by the time she was born. Soon they began to move out on their own, so Isabella grew up without siblings to play with, confide in, or enjoy day-to-day activities with.

When Isabella was a little girl, my wife and I spent a lot of time with her. Our work provided ample opportunity to do so. She was an exceptionally bright child; we had a wonderful time playing with her. She loved drama and stories. Like many children, she created imaginary worlds involving her dolls and stuffed animals, and we would participate by acting out whole narratives that she directed.

We were regular church goers, our faith was important to us, and it was also very important to Isabella. She was very involved in the church as a child and youth. Although people of faith are often branded as “right-leaning” or social-conservatives, by contrast we were a very liberal and progressive family. We actively discouraged the promotion of gender roles in our household. Yet, we couldn’t stop Isabella from being a typical little girl. I wouldn’t have even called her a tom boy. She was not boyish. She was not overly girlish. She was herself.

Then I came into employment trouble. I had to take on new work. I had to work long hours involving shift work. This exhausted me and took me away from my wife and Isabella. When I did engage with them, I had a shorter fuse than I would have liked. I was worried and stressed. The situation was hard on everyone. Our financial situation, overall, caused a lot of tension in our home. It gave rise to a general, inescapable, anxiety. We felt like many things were out of our control. This new way of existing was a stark reversal to what was, by contrast, an idyllic family life. But Isabella seemed to be handling it well. She was a hardy kid – that’s what I believed at the time.

Looking back, I can now see that she had a lot of social anxiety over those years. She felt abandoned and confused. She would hide her sensitivity. At the time, we chalked it up to shyness, and we thought it was nothing to worry about.

My wife and I started to notice a shift in her at the onset of puberty and the move to junior high. Problems began in grade seven, when an event occurred, which appeared to trigger a permanent change in direction concerning Isabella’s character and methods of dealing with life. The previous year’s grade 8 class had been caught sexting each other with pictures of their genitals. To address the issue the school principal decided to be “proactive” and speak to the new cohort about it. None of the kids in the class new what he was talking about, and many of them, including our Isabella, weren’t there yet – emotionally or psychologically. The information was shocking and overwhelming. It was too much for her. She had a hard time handling it. I recall her being extremely stressed by it. It felt like she was robbed of her innocence. We were livid. Looking back, I should have walked into the principal’s office and accused him of an act of pedophilia. Perhaps that wouldn’t have changed anything; the damage had already been done.

Later that year, although she had never showed any sort of romantic interest in boys or girls, and never had a friend who she was really close to in a seemingly romantic or extremely attached way, she came home one day and announced that she was bisexual. Even through we have always been very liberal, open and accepting people, like most parents we knew our daughter and knew that she was far from understanding her sexuality. She was going through puberty and, like most young people, struggling with her sense of self. I could see that there were social influences affecting her self-image, and I became concerned that she was getting caught up in identity politics. I tried to explain to her that this identity was just a label, that at her age she should let herself be, and that she should allow herself to be comfortable in her own skin without needing to label her experiences or feelings.

Next, in grade nine, Isabella moved to a different school. She needed a way to make friends, get involved, and do something productive with her anxious adolescent energy. So, she joined the diversity club. There was a trans kid in the club. This youth (biological female) annexed the group for her own causes, and so Isabella became embroiled in trans ideology and activism.

Around the same time, she also started hanging around kids that to me had a bad vibe. They all seemed emotionally uncomfortable. I knew they were trouble, but I couldn’t deter her from hanging out with them.

At some point in grade nine she came home and declared that she was pansexual. Next, in grade, 10 she told us she was trans.

Even today, there’s no indication that she has dated anyone in her whole life. She has adopted a label and taken on identities based other people’s ideas, her own feelings of frustration and confusion, and the teenage proclivity to rebel. There’s still been no suggestion that she is even bi, let alone trans, or any of those other labels, identities, or sexualities.

Since then, there has been a lot of strain in the family. We have been trying to manage the situation, but our daughter is extremely stubborn. Teenagers in general are very stubborn, so we partly recognize this as natural teenage behaviour. But we fear that natural teenage rebellion has been hijacked by this ideology, which has the potential to lead her to medical transitioning and will therefore permanently, irreversibly damage her.

Isabella blames the family’s stress on me. She blames all of our problem on me, because of how I handled my personal and financial stress. I know that I was far from perfect. There’s nothing I can do about it now except try to protect her. I can’t change the past.

COVID hit and the extended family became estranged. Even her siblings saw very little of her, and many people in the family still aren’t privy to the situation. Some people have chosen to adopt her new pronouns and name. I cannot.

She promised her mother that she won’t go on hormones until she is 18, which is just around the corner. She has been using a binder.

Both my wife and I agree that medicalization is a bad move. We are in conversation about how to postpone it. But we’re unsure of the right thing to say or do. Like all parenting, we make it up as we go along every day. Our hope is that the longer we are able to postpone it, the more opportunity she has to change her mind.

Isabella has very little to do with me. It’s partly because of the blame she puts on me, and partly because I won’t use her masculine name. I’m trying to calm the situation. I’m working on building up to the point where we can have a conversation about this again.

And I know I may not succeed. I am very aware that I am may end up with a physically and emotionally mutilated child.  But as a Christian, I look at Jesus in the garden before his passion and death and says “I don’t want this. But I‘ll do it.” When finished his time of prayer he says to his companions, “Get up, let’s get going. The betrayer is at hand. I don’t want this, but let’s see it through.”  I look to him as my example.  I feel betrayed, not by my daughter, but society in general, but I am going to see this through. If I have learned anything from this experience it is this:  we must see our pain through.  Love demands it.  I love my daughter, therefore I will do it.

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the youth and her family.